brianintrntnl's Journal

This Year Was A Killer
    I find it somewhat surprising that this time of year, Christmas, is the time of year that I find myself thinking about my family and friends, as opposed to the time of ear that most people would find such thoughts and feelings most appropriate. That time being Thanksgiving, I’m usually consciously finding things to occupy my time and thoughts to keep from dwelling on the fact that for the most part, my relationship with my parents is basically broken without much hope of repair. My little brother and sister, who live with our parents, suffer from this strain. My older sister who means more to me than pretty much anyone in this world, has grown into a full-blown adult, lives 1500 miles away, and have only seen once in the last 3 years. As of now, my grandparents who live in San Diego are the closest relationship that I have amount the enormous size of my family and I cling to this relationship because I feel that if this light amongst the backdrop that is known as my life disappears, that I will fully lose all sense of being, because having a family that you cannot have a relationship with is just as bad as not having a family at all.
    I would be lying if I said that I didn’t care about the fact that I don’t talk to my parents. Conversely, I would also be lying if I said that I cared completely. A part of me wants nothing more than to be able to call my mother right now and ask her for the recipe for here M&M cookies that she and I used to make. The kind that are so good that half the cookie dough went unbaked, and instead, went directly into our stomachs. Or to be able to express to my father the disappointment that I felt from my last failed relationship with Carter. Yet as much as I want to be able to experience these things, the other part of me knows that I have grown up, that life isn’t always fair, and that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I have to accept the fact that I may never again get to see my mother’s wide smile, or feel the muscles ripple along my fathers back when he gives me a hug. Of course I can’t rule these things out completely, but to put my total faith into them happening again would be just about as unwise and downright stupid as it would be to elect George Bush to another term in office.
I’ve never been even remotely cavalier about using the ‘L’ word: Love. I’ve said it once or twice in my entire life, but I’ve never said it to my parents. Not because I don’t love them, because I do. Just writing this and thinking about the times I’ve had with my parents in the past brings tears to my eyes. And if you knew me, you’d know that for me, tears are hard to come by. I think about the times when I’d look up during one of my track meets and see them in the stands cheering me on, or seeing the delight in their eyes when I saw them for the first time in months during the time that I was in military school. Regardless of how much it’s true, the reason that I’ve never told them that I love them is because I always feel that if I did tell them that they wouldn’t believe me.
    Like any parent/child relationship, there weren’t always good times. There were periods of time that weren’t as great and warm and fuzzy as one would want. The difference between everyone else’s relationship with their parents and the one that I have with mine is that the frequency of these low periods were more frequent than what is normal for a child’s upbringing. I am able to swallow my pride and admit that I wasn’t the ‘perfect’ child that my parents always wanted. In fact, I’m quite sure I’m almost the opposite from what they wanted. I’ve run away from home. I’ve been kicked out from home. I left home when I was 16 without even a goodbye. But through it all, I was able to return home to open arms.
    This all changed last year at about this time of year. I found out that I was being discharged from the US Air Force early. When I told my parents this, I came across a startling discovery: my father didn’t know I was gay. And to you wise asses who are thinking to yourself while reading this, ‘How could he not have known?!’ remember, I was in the military during that time. I wasn’t as openly gay as I am now. I acted straight because I HAD to. But anyways, when my father found out that I was gay, he did the normal hetero male thing and freaked out, and didn’t want to talk to me. And my mother, being the normal hetero wife, followed suit. Because of this, it has been 387 days since I have last spoken to my father, and there have been 387 times that I wish I could.
My tumultuous relationship with my parents haven’t been the only rocky point of this year. Having a wedge driven between me and my father wasn’t the only consequence of being kicked out of the military; my financial status has sunken so low that I am on the verge of filing for bankruptcy… at the age of 20.
    I will openly admit that I had a lot of loans and credit cards when I was in the Air Force. But before you go off being all judgmental, think about this, starting pay in the military is 1100 per month before taxes. I, however, never received starting pay. I was in ROTC in high school so I got to enter the military a full two pay grades more than normal people. I made 1400 a month before taxes with leaves me with about 1100 net. Take out rent, utilities, car payment, insurance, and food and I’m left with... 1100. I live for free on base, I didn’t pay utilities, I didn’t have a car, and I ate for free at the chow hall. So even though I had all this debt, it was not hard for me to control it at all because I had 1100 to spend on whatever I wanted every month. But when I got the ax from the military, my income stopped and because of that, I had to stop paying my bills.
    After I got out of the military I moved back to San Francisco and immediately, all of the small income I made working at my retail job went directly to rent, utilities, and the food I ate, also known as all the things that I didn’t have to pay for before. So my debt that I was left with when I got out of the military remained, and still remains to this day, added onto all the late fees, and not to mention the new debt that I’ve accrued such as the rental car that I totaled that I now have to pay for, my schooling fees, etc. So now I’m in this financial hole with no bottom in sight.
    As far as relationships go for this year, I get an ‘F’. I dated a grand total of 2 guys this year, totaling not even 4 months combined. The first left me for someone else who in turn left him, and the second turned out to be a complete asshole. I like to think of myself as an excellent judge of character, but this is ridiculous. And now I find myself at Christmas time and once again, I’m alone, probably going to eat a bowl of cereal as Christmas Dinner, but at least this year I’m not working. When people wish me a Merry Christmas, I secretly tell them in my mind, ‘Fuck you.’
    This year wasn’t full of only downs, however. There were a couple of high points to my year that made it slightly better than ‘bearable’. The first is meeting two of my most favorite people in the world: Vartan and Brian.
    I find it funny looking back on it knowing that we met on a sexual encounter. Vartan and I had been flirting back and forth over the internet, and finally when we met, we did indeed fool around a bit with Vartan’s boyfriend, Brian. But what happened afterwards was completely surprising; we stopped being sexually attracted to each other, and instead, became extremely close friends. I said before that I’ve only used the ‘L’ word a couple of times, and included in that is when I talk about Vartan, and Brian, in particular. I love these guys to death. Brian actually just left earlier this month for Argentina where he will be for about a year. I miss him already and want him to come back.
    Another high point is the reconnection with my grandparents in San Diego. For the longest time I didn’t have any way of contacting them because my parents had their number, and I’m not speaking with my parents. So my grandparents remained outside the loop of my life until I had a recollection that, ‘oh yeah, I can find them online’. And that is exactly what I did. I googled their address and phone number online, and as a result I’ve seen them twice in the last 4 months.
    I think the most important high point of my year was actually a result of my relationship with the asshole. To put it bluntly, he got me a job with US Airways. And I love my job to death. Sure, sometimes I get stuck at work overnight and don’t get home until 8am the next day, but the benefits alone make it worthwhile. People tell me that now I travel all the time because I have this job. Which is partly true, but basically, all the traveling that I do now, I would have done prior to this job, it’s just that I couldn’t afford to do it before. Now that I fly for free, there’s no excuse not to.
    I don’t know what I want from life anymore. I don’t know what I want my career to be long-term. I don’t know what I’m looking for in guys. I don’t know whether I will be successful and wealthy. I don’t know if I’ll ever talk to my parents again. All I know is that I’m taking life one day at a time. I’m going to continue enjoying my current job for as long as I can. I am going to continue dating the guy that I’m seeing without fear or reservation. I’m going to strive for pulling myself out of debt by being more fiscally responsible. I’m not going to worry about whether I will talk to my parents again, because deep down I know that I love them and that’s all that matters.

    Basically to sum up this entire year: I’m exactly where I started, but I’m in a completely different place.

Current Mood: blah

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